Sunday, October 18, 2009

Thing I've Learned #27: The Point of an Essay is to Say in Two Paragraphs What Could Be Said in Two Sentences

So here I am. Back from Austin, Texas. Let's talk a bit about what I've discovered. One, the very air smells like Mexican food. Two, they have Mexican restaurants like Florida has Chinese take out, i.e. two in every plaza. Three, there are no vampires. Four, all rental cars smell the same. As for the college, it was okay. I didn't love it enough to decide that it's definitely the place I want to go, but I didn't hate it enough to cross it off my list of possibilities.

Now that I'm home, I'll being doing homework all day. Yaaaaaay! I finished Founding Brothers, and now I have to write four essays about it. Actually two, because I did two last night, but still. As a writer, essays are my pet peeve. Get to the point! Say what you mean! Quit equivocating! No, I don't care what the thesis statement is! Ugh. I hate essays. I think they were invented to torture students.

On the bright side, the weather is WONDERFUL!!! It's finally fall! I can wear jeans again! Oh, hallelujah! I love fall. It's hands down my favorite season. Leaves changing (but not here in goddamn Florida,) weather cooling down, Halloween, NOVEMBER! Essays aside, my life is looking up! All my reading assignments are due tomorrow, so that means I can finally start reading the stack of books I got from Barnes & Noble three weeks ago. Two more weeks until November, and one more week until I can start taking notes on my novel. Two weeks until Halloween, and our epic pre-NaNo sleepover. Yes, life from now on is awesome.

This evening EB and I (at least I think EB is coming) are going to a Halloween party at the barn. We're going to paint Jame's orange and paint his mane and tail green, so he'll be a chubby pumpkin pony! He's going to be so CUTE! I miss him; I haven't seen him since...Wednesday? Or was it even Tuesday? Well, I'm anxious to see him.

My favorite thing about the NaNoWriMo website is the Procrastination Station. Every day, two topics from the forums are featured. They're often questions, like how to nail jello to a tree, or challenges, like write letters to your characters, or have them write letters to you. And this is precisely what I did. So, to give you some insight on my beloved word babies, I present Letters of Complaint to the Phoenix. I warn you in advance that's it's very long.

Dear Desirata,
You are a total bitch. You're utterly sexy, but I hate your guts, and it's no small wonder everyone else does too. I also find your personality cruel and your morals nonexistent. You're absolutely despicable for blackmailing Ha'ri to get him to sleep with you. And if you keep beating up Illari (who's head over heels in love with you, for some reason) one of these days he's going to snap and kill you in your sleep. If Ciro doesn't kill you first.
Go to hell,

Dear Illari,
Sweetie, why do you love Desirata so much? He's a cruel son of a bitch, and you know this better than I do because he beats the shit/snot/living daylights out of you. He'll only hurt you worse, sweetheart, so do yourself a favor and get out while you can. I know you're a good kid at heart, and you deserve better than him.
With love and best hopes,

Dear Sanvi,
Are you out of your freaking mind?! You can't be a priest, you're a prostitute! Honey, I love you, but can't you consider another career option?

Dear Marce,
Don't tell the others, but you're my favorite. I've always had a weakness for redheads. Especially really hot ones, and you're no exception. Could you be a little gentler with Bailey, though? His spirit is strong, but his body, not so much. But you know this, so stop hitting him, okay? He knows you think you're helping, but it hurts him, so quit. He's the only one that puts up with you when you go all bitchy, you know. By the way, he's falling in love with you. Just though I should give you a heads up.

Dear Bailey,
Oh, you're so adorable! Like a little china doll! I'd hug you if I wasn't afraid I'd break you! Just wanted to tell you that you have the patience of a saint for putting up with Marce's "moods." And hot damn, you have a kinky side, don't you, cutie pie?! Mmmhmm, I know what you did with Marce in that hallway two nights ago. I'm the author, dear, I see and know ALL. Keep it up, I need your smut for my word count. That aside, you should pursue a more emotional and less sex driven relationship with him. He does care about you, despite aloof appearances.

Dear Ha'ri,
I must say, you are a close second to Marce on the topic of sexiest. I love your tattoo, and Ciro does too. Speaking of, I would love it if you would tell me where you're from. I get the vague idea of a cross between Native American and Egyptian and would appreciate it if you could clear that up for me. I know you're not exactly used to the polite society and court life thing, but don't get so worked up about it. Calm down. And feel free to punch anyone who comes on to you because they know you used to be a whore. And I'm truly sorry about Aisha's death. I didn't intend for that to happen, I swear. Ciro will take care of you, promise. So stop running away from him.
P.S. Don't take your clothes off in front of him. I know that's normal for you, but it embarrasses him.
P.P.S. Don't kiss him either.
Be strong,

Dear Ciro,
Be patient with Ha'ri. Give him time to get the hang of things, and don't yell at him for doing things you don't like, i.e. not wearing clothes around the house. It upsets him. He's really very sensitive. Be gentle with him, he's been hurt badly before. He really only wants to make you happy. And I know you care about him. He cares about you, too. And did I mention he's totally hot for you? Whoops. I don't think I was supposed to tell you that. Uh, anyway, go beat up Desirata, will you? And keep looking for jobs for the boys at the Phoenix. They're too proud to admit it, but their really grateful for what you're trying to do to help them.
P.S. I know you're a virgin. You can't hide anything from me. *maniacal laughter*
P.P.S. Don't ever bring that up at the Phoenix. They will laugh themselves to death, and you will never live it down.

Dear Kit,
You act like such a little kid sometimes, you know that? I know you're the youngest and all, but wow, you really act like a brat when it comes to DeLacey. He finds your tantrums funny; I don't. Grow up a bit, okay? I know you have a massive crush on him, and I know he can be a bit of an ass, but I know he loves you, so stop being so pissy about the whole thing. Some words of advice: Don't piss off Marce. Just don't do it. The more you try to get DeLacey to sleep with you, the more he will resist, so stop trying. Quit jumping off the balcony and doing backflips down the stairs. You may be young but Ma is not, and you will give the poor woman a heart attack.
P.S. Where on earth did you come from? Did you just, I don't know, spring out of a hole in the ground? Tell me your backstory!

Dear DeLacey,
I know you're a marshmallow on the inside, so do yourself a favor and quit being an ass to Kit. TELL ME YOUR FIRST NAME, GODDAMMIT! Don't just sit there and smirk at me! Who do you think you are? Prince? Oh wait. You are, aren't you? Damn.
Frustrated beyond belief,

Dear Swan,
Honey, I've been playing nice too long, enough is enough. You have got to tell me your name! I can't keep calling you "The Swan." I rather like you, despite your lack of a proper name, if that's any incentive to tell. Oh, and I think your friendship/relationship with Sanvi is adorable!
Fed up,

Dear Aisha,
WHY, WHY GOD WHYYYYY?! You were NOT supposed to die! I loved you! Don't die, dammit! How dare you die?!

Dear Valentino,
I hate to be blunt, but what the hell are you even DOING here? You are by far my most boring character, no offense.
Get a life,

Dear Ma,
You are one freaking awesome kick ass lady. Keeping eight young men sane, sober, and in one piece is no easy task. Plus keeping the place spotless and food on the table! And beating the asses of anyone who hurts them. Hats off to you!
P.S. So, how many loads of laundry DO you do a day?
Astounded by your awesomeness,

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